Depressed Donna

Wow looking at my earlier posts, I was depressing. It happens, but damn. Angry, emotional-I must have been on my period every time I wrote anything. HA- damn hormones.

Revelation

I simply want to remind myself to document what I’m living right now. This is my fucking blog anyway, I can do as I please. (No one reads this anyhow, right?) Hope so.

Well so far I’ve moved out and away from Cali and everyone in West Sac, and my family, and Andrew’s family. And it has been months-feels like fucking years have gone by! Been here since the end of August so it has really only been 3 months up here in Oregon. Hah-my license that I’m finally getting will be an Oregon license. Damn Oregonians. It’s been real these last three months-haha. Me and Andrew have seriously been fucking off these last 90 some odd days-well less than that since we have taken 4 trips since we’ve moved(not on our own money either f*@%#$!) Only 3 months and we’ve gone up North to my sister’s(amazing/beautiful drive-our favorite) twice, and twice back down south to Cali. I feel like such an adult sometimes, being here on my own and having all this freedom-not to say that I didn’t have freedom before-but this is the ultimate freedom! No parents-no one you used to know-just a shitload of newness. I’m free to do what I want when I want. Sex, drugs, whatever I WANT! Of course I still need a job(I feel shitty every day I’m STILL not working) and I still need to register in school and blah blah blah blah but it feels fucking great to just do anything I want, on my own agenda-well more so. Without parents or family involved. And I am still so spoiled! My family-and Drew’s- have helped us out way more than they should have. I mean they all basically helped us get the fuck out of there. I am just very blessed, me and Andrew are lucky to have all these people who love us and want to see us succeed on this journey. And here at our new home people cared enough about us(me too thanks to baby) to support us til we eventually get jobs, and let us have all the freedom we want-there’s too many perks of living here now. I could not go back to living with my dad- my family is crazy sometimes, er well a lot of the time. Damn filipino tradition, beliefs, customs… whatever, at least the foods good.

The path to discovery is pretty rewarding so far. Me and Andrew drive eachother mad at times but we are learning so much-about each other about ourselves individually-living with awesome people-who love to talk shit to us haha. I’m glad as hell that we’re starting somewhere. Now just for that job.

There’s just too much I could write about right now about the last 3 beginning months of my immediate life-later later later.

 

And, and..AND we got our first tickets-I don’t even have my license and I got one. SEATBELT tickets! Shitty shitty fuck.

I’ll expand on all this later.

So...

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
Here's a new one, I feel like shit. Oh wait that's not a new one. Great. Once again I do something wrong and I feel like a shitty person. I'm human! I'm human everyone so leave me alone. I just want to get the fuck out of here. Yup, I'm being selfish. Yup, I suck. I don't care.

I am so frustrated.

Why do people put all the pressure on me? I can't make all you people happy. Sue me. Push me off a cliff then. I feel like such a shitty person all the time. Because of everyone else's standards. So I'm a shitty friend, a shitty person, shitty daughter. FUCK. Im SORRY. I'm fucking sorry and maybe one day I'll be better.

I'm sorry I can't make everyone happy. I'm sorry I can't make you or you happy, sorry I can't make anyone happy. Not myself, not anyone.

And I'm with my boyfriend all the time, because he doesnt make me feel like shit.
I'm sick of feeling like shit.
I should be happy right now, with my friends and enjoying the last of my childhood. Before I really have to grow some balls and grow up, which I'm finding is difficult to do.
But I'm not. I'm sad and lonely and I have the gaps to fill and they remain empty.

I'm lost and I wish people would stop bashing me.
I'm hurt too you know? But that shit doesn't matter does it?

Fuck all you.

I'm gonna be a fucking hermit.

She said I throw myself away
They're just photos after all
And I can't make you hang around
I can't wash you off my skin

I Gotta rememeber

to document this. write down the memories ive recently had.
we got closer to some people.
and met someone new!
-Anthony, our new best friend :]
:]
And me and andrew just continue to grow closer. And love eachother even more.
Is that possible?

I feel like shit.
Please take me away.