how am i feeling now?

still indifferent, its funny.. now i don't know who to miss. Can't miss christian anymore, stephen is out of the question. Then there's Al , and I'm at a loss. I guess I've always missed him, tried to replace him for all these years.. but nothing has ever worked the way it did with him. Ahh, then there's this other dude, maybe I'm just lonely, trying to find some part of.. feeling. Then if i'm actually starting to fall for you, I don't want to. I'm such a confused, horribly indecisive broad. haha.. I do not know where to go from here. BE stronger meagan, call your sister.. bring up your grades, be more responsible, be a better daughter, be BETTER. I don't want to be this way when I'm older. I miss all of them, I'm struggling to be fine with myself, accept it, I DONT KNOW WHAT IM DOING.

What am I supposed to do, when the best part of me was always you?
What am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up and you're okay?
yeah yeah.. love's incredibly cruel.

i need to get away.

soo, i have fucking issues. i'm feeling so indifferent, so horrible about absolutely everything. the drunk nights that i have these days that temporarily take me away have definately not helped. im fucking stupid. stupid, stupid, stupid. im at school writing this, talk about pathetic. well, so let's see my dad's moving out and i am not happy with that. what family am i gonna have now? none, my mom? well i have bella, and liz, amy. but damn i just feel empty these days. alone. ha everyone knows how i feel since i spill my heart out when im gone as fuck and cry for like 2 hours. and now i feel like im losing touch with bella, like we're getting sick of eachother and like my friends are starting to fall a part. im getting weird vibes from all the people i thought i could trust. i m fucking lost. I NEED GOD in my life right now, take me to church please. i don't even know but the im feeling right now, i know i don't wanna be feeling like this. anymore. i need to get it together, but how many times have i said that? too many to count. way too many. UGH, i just really am starting to see how fake and dishonest everyone can be. EVERYONE. there are definately no saints. God help me before i lose it. NOT EVEN THE LAST OF IT.

-meagan.