Chestnuts roasting on an open fire..

Santa Baby, for Christmas I want
-a better looking body
-digital camera/or poloroid camera!
-Laptop
-Clothes
and all for now since I'm at school.

Today was a good day.

Good day today. Looong day as usual though. Fell asleep last night, so didn't finish a project that was already late. Left early to meet andrew, the same routine as every morning and its freezing balls outside. No bowl for this morning :[ boo hoo, but we did have exports so that helped. Andrew had a really good morning, lol. Then off to school to finish my entire project. Not fun, then had to deal with some bitches. Ugh, high school is a joke. And so are the people. Survived all three periods then got out to meet Andrew :] who had a lovely surprise for me, treeeee. Smoked my own small bowl in the bong, and I was good. Kicked it with Rasheam, and smoked a blunt. we had some good laughs today, on days like this I feel happy to be alive.

Trials & tribulations.

I'm scared. I'm scared of the future, of my life, I'm scared, scared, scared. And at the moment I feel like a failure. Like everyone else has it figured out, the guidebook to life. (Yes, like in Tweak..) Why didn't I get that? I'm so unhappy and unmotivated at times these days. I constantly don't want to be where i am or around any of the people sometimes :( i can't seem to find anything to fill my worth. I haven't applied to college, I haven't done shit. I feel like I'm not doing shit with my life. And all I want to do is smoke. Smoke, smoke, smoke. Pop, Pop, Pop. They make me feel so much better though. Is that a bad thing? Someday I'm going to die any way, why not live while I'm alive. Anyway, I've lost connection to all friends who were once close and I'm starting to feel that familiar sense of loneliness, of a bit of emptiness. That's how my life feels at times, empty. I feel empty. Whatever, I have andrew right? Yeah, that's not guaranteed either. Things always end, people change, things change. Always. I have faith in us, but I'm scared. I don't want to lose his love one day, though it's possible. Haha it's horrible to think of how sad life can be. Life can be so fucked up, but so beautiful and in the end we all die. It's a whole shit of unfairness that you have to just DEAL with. I feel so lifeless lately and I cling onto Andrew like he's my oxygen. Yeah, I know I can be pathetic sometimes. I feel WORTHLESS ! And this is where my rain of thought stops. Basically, I feel like a crappy person with no aspirations or achievements. Life is sucky.

So,

I have had some crazy last 6 months.
I'm astonished that my life has become some movie haha.
With this amazing guy that I want to spend the rest of my life with.
:]
We've been through some high experiences and some crazy road trip/runaway experiences, sleeping in the car, smoking cigarettes, eating food, there's soo much that I've experienced with him in these last 6 months, 5 months actually from June when we met again. I swear this, all of this is going in our novel, which we are aspiring to write. And its only been 5 months and we are completely and utterly inseperable, ga-ga for eachother. We can be so cheesy sometimes. haha

He's like my best friend.
I've done everything with him from the day we saw eachother after 4 years.
I'm blessed, lucky to have found him.
I just hope that everyone can find someone to love like this and be loved in return.
Someone to be there for you when you need to be kissed and held.
Someone who will laugh with you and take joy in your imperfections.
Someone who won't judge you.
Someone to support and help you.

He is everything. I'm only 17 years old, 17 years of experience and I never want to let this feeling go. Or him.

Yeah I may sound like some cliche 17 year old girl who's absolutely in love with her boyfriend. But this is on another level bitches. LOL

Seriously though. Why is everything so perfect with him?
Maybe something will happen to where I could love him less.
NOT.
I'm all stuck.

STUCK STUCK STUCK.
Damnit, I am a sucker.

But even if this ends, I'm NEVER gonna forget any of this. These experiences will probably be the best in my life.

haha I'm so melodramatic.

The Dive.

The leap, or as Andrew would say, the dive off of a cliff. We did it,we up and left. Like nothing. Well, we freaked out, of course. But tosay the least, we did it.And I have no regrets, though it was a short lived experience, an experience nonetheless. We left Monday, afterdeciding we would actually go through with it, with some crying and yelling at eachother(mostly on my part). And then we were off. Afterproposing the idea to eachother, we parked instead of going to school,and put on some good ol' Coldplay, then talked and thought about this drastic decision we were about to make. Then when our minds were made up we went to his house, made preparations, took some stuff we could sell, left notes, and then I went and did the same at Lauren's house.We then bought some smokes at our spot, one road pack and hit a pawnshop downtown as our final destination before leaving. We attemptedto sell Drew's TW, PS2, my lovely gold jade earrings,and his guitar. THAT SUCKED, because the asian pawn dude didn't accept shit. Soooafter buying smokes, we were down to a little over 25 dolalrs and we were trying to drive 6 hours out to Oregon. We NEEDED money, fast. But, with that money we filled the tank up in the pathfinder and went on our way with 8 bucks left. It's funny because we just added like 5 chapters to our novel of our lives that is in the making. Before I go any further, I have to say I had an amazing time with Andrew on this damn journey, though my life's going to suck right about now for awhile. BUT, I have no regrets, no matter how incredibly stupid we were. (Anyway) At this point everything was not going as planned and we had just LEFT, impulsive, selfish, irresponsible. Like that. LEFT. So we were frantic, but somehow happy, and relieved. We just wanted to get away from everything. We were both sick of everyone and everything, and just needed to do this. Which we did, and failed miserably. The drive consisted of eating(the lunch andrew's mom packed him for school), listening to good music, especially our favorite cds(our CD, then mostly queens and Coldplay :]), and drawing all over his car. But again, we needed money to make it, so we stopped after 2 good hours of driving, at some gas station by a casino resort place. Which if we could, would have gone in a got really drunk at. Instead, we waited at this gas station and tried to sell things to everyone we saw. After about an hour, we gave up, put the last 8 bucks in our tank and scraped all the way to Redding. I fell asleep on the way there, but I awoke to find Andrew driving in a parking lot trying to find a pawn shop again. His gas meter was past E, which was NOT good. So this tattoo dude gives us directions to this A1 loan place, pawn shop or whatever, and he even draws out a little map. We get lost, of course, with NO GAS. BUT alas, we FINALLY find this damn place. And might I add, Redding is fuckng weird. Sooooooo we go in and we try to sell all the stuff we have. We offer up all our belongings, and

Sweet Dreams; it will all fall right into place.

Lately, Andrew and I have been talking about leaving. Just leaving, without saying a word to anyone and go. It's been just a dream for us, I suppose. But each time we talk about it we get closer and closer to actually acting on the absurd thought. How selfish and impulsive would that be? I would love to leave though, and drive off somewhere. To Oregon maybe. No worries, whatsoever..well until I returned of course. If that were to ever happen. But then what of college? High school? Won't I be the ultimate failure to everyone then? Not just to everyone.. but to myself. I don't want that at all. I have this whole, huge, amazing life I'm planning out in my head. With little kiddies, my dream house, my dream life. And I don't know if all that will even have the chance to happen if I up and leave right now. Though, the more we discuss it, the more tempting it is. I love Andrew, I truly do. It's weird, that crazy, irrational, yet again selfish running away idea seems perfect because of him. I feel like I'd be fine as long as... well as long as I had him beside me. Haha what a cheesy, cliche line. I'm such a cornball. Can you be in love at 17? Is that possible or are all these relationships at this age meaningless, hormone filled, immature, acts of puppy love? Well, me and Andrew are a bit different I guess. He is so damn amazing. How we ended up together, I have no clue. It is fun to go over and explore our story in my head at times, just thinking about how we came together. Let me start off by saying, it is amazing, lucky, and ironic to be with my first. Haha, what are the odds? We're planning on writing this amazing book about our lives. So far it's been crazy, especially ever since he came back into my life after four years. Doesn't stuff like this only happen in the movies? The lover leaves and they lose touch and that lover returns and meets with their lover again and then they fall madly in love with eachother all over again but BETTER, even more profound and loving. There's our story, with much more detail of course. I think he's the one, you know that one person you want to spend the rest of your days with, doing anything and everything or absolutely nothing. Your soulmate, I guess. It feels like we've loved before, maybe in another life we were both lovers. Maybe we were mates as birds in another life. HAAHAA, or maybe I'm just this in love with him. Love can seriously make you crazy, but sooo down to earth. When nothing could be worse, he's always the silver lining. How trite and overused I must sound? But it's all true, when you find someone worth everything. All those idiotic love songs and all those romance movies and novels all relate to you and your own feelings towards your own love. I feel so blessed to have him, hopefully this isn't another high school relationship, but somehow I know it isn't. And he doesn't even know how far my love goes for him. I am such a sucker for this kid. Can your boyfriend be your best friend too? Thinking back on the SHORT but LONG 5 months, of love, I've had the most fun and excitement that my meaningless 17 years of life have ever had. Well for now, you get the jist right? I'm so exhausted, and I decided to stay up for some stupid reason out of my own head, to finish homework all of which I have not touched. HAHAAH. damn you internet. But, basically... I may runaway and be a hippie bum with Andrew, have an amazing dream life(I say amazing a lot), I love Andrew(obviously), I've spent time composing this blog and doing nothing but talking to andrew haha in the process, I'm writing a book of our memoirs, & did I mention I love Andrew. HAHA, yes I am a sucker for love. Goodnight, sweet dreams :]

<3Love yourself and others :]

Mondays

It's a Monday and I am thankful for my life.
I had a n amazing weekend with Andrew and I am looking forward to everything that's in store for me.
I will make it through the bad. And the bell rang sooo deuces.

Ahhhhh

Today, my friends was not a good day.

It was just one of those days, where absolutely everything was going wrong. And the little things were enormous to me. I cried quite a bit today, sorry to my love andrew for being such a hassle. He had to deal with me from when we both woke up to the end of our day. Ahh, well I am PMSing right now, it just ended though, thank god. I'm always so damn difficult when mother nature comes around. Anyway, this entire day had me going through an emotional breakdown. I didn't realize just how stressed I actually am. { Irrelevent, but um is it bad to want kids now? And want to be married already? I feel oold already but still so premature. I guess it just has to do with being with Andrew :) } So I started my day later than I wanted to, ending it on a note of bad cuddling, waking up to andrew, which is good, but I was grumpy. So I woke up to his mom, bad hair and stress. Boo :\ Then we proceed to school, which does NOT make things better. I go with andrew, feeling a little inadequate in the looks department today, to school, allll irritated and angry. This is me >=\ I get to school and take all this anger and frustration out on Andrew, which he doesn't take lightly too. I guess i'm good at pushing him away when I need him. I'm angry, and I have an hour and a half to kill, so I leave since I realize that I still need to buy notecards for HW today, in which we were supposed to get some in the morning, but we woke up late, another irritation. Thus, I walk to Target by my lonesome and get some stupid notecards. I get money out, and realize I only have 3 dollars, sigh. Good thing I had change in handy, so I could spare my lousy 3 bucks. I buy the cards, get out of target, and sit outside of target by the fountain and attempt to do my HW. Oh did I mention my hysterical crying fit on the walk to Target? Yeah, it was horrible. I cried to Sara Bareilles and Coldplay, muttering all the crappy things troubling me. Anyway, sitting near the fountain, I start having a texting fight with Andrew, which was not pretty, on my part mostly. Sigh. After attempting to finish my vocabulary notecards, I get up and walk back to school, wishing I had a smoke(bad habit, I know). The walk to school was also tear-filled. I also tripped on a bag on the way. UGH. I get back and fight with myself for being a jerk to him, then I see him and apologize. He grabs my hand and takes me to the parking lot, for a smoke. Ahh, best part of this horrible day. We go behind a van, and we only had like 5 minutes. I start bawling, because of how incredibly horrible I feel, for treating him that way and for how unhappy I was feeling. That stog, made me feel better though(what a bad thing). Then we both realize that we're gonna be late but neither of us care at this point of my crying stage. He comforts me as I drop my bags and cryyyyyyyyyy. We walk back at last, kinda late. Sally, the yard duty, nagged us to stop holding hands, haha. Walking to music class, I did NOT want to sing the tardy song. So I walk up and see Ms. Greenwood who doesn't seem to be too happy with my tardy, but I didn't have to sing the tardy song. YES. So small ensemble, I get nothing accomplished. HA. I have to perform on friday, in 2 days. GREAT. And I get nagged at because she comes in while I'm off task STILL trying to do my damn notecards. WTFFFFFF. Ahh sigh sigh, pout pout. SO on to lunch.. Boring boring boring, its whatever nothing soo bad happens. 3rd period of English is killer. I fall asleep, the notecards happened to NOT BE DUE, since the teacher was absent. HA HA, just my luck, right? I guess this was an okay part of my day, since I laughed a little. Moving on, by this time everyone is alreayd GONE, since I'm like the only one who has a 4th period to go to. So levert passes me and jokes with me, telling me Andrew doesn't want to be with me, BLAH BLAH. JERK, lol. I then make the walk of shame to 4th period chemistry, ew. The class that I failed last year, that i have to re-take with lower classmen. FUDGE. Longest hour and a half of my life. I don't accomplish much of anything, except for getting caught up, since I decided to miss yesterday, due to the minimum day. Get my phone taken away with 10 minutes left, didn't do much of any work, luckily i got my phone back. Damnit. At last, I get out of school. My phone dies. WONDERFULLLLLL. Go to the bathroom with charger in hand and charge it. Levert calls me to pick me up, YESSSSS. I go to Andrews. It's hottttttttttttt, I'm like sweaty McSweaterson in Lee's truck, the damn window doesnt go down. Get to babe's house FINALLY, and stay for about 40 minutes. We fight a little bit and I cry some more(sorry babe). We do get things out though, and get some things solved. Then we make-up :D He gives me a popsicle, lemon lime, yum and we laugh with eachother. I feel so much better with him. Feel bad about not going to practice, ahh. Oh well, already done. My horrible day accounted for that. Damn. We leave his house and he has to drop me off at Lauren's. I go and my dad has to pick me up at 5. Greaaaat way to end my worst day ever, going back to lonelly Roseville. Yippee. And here I am now. Better, a little more calm, but still stressed and sad. Ah, I suppose I just need to take one day at a time and appreciate the good that overpower the bad. I'm alive, right? Everything these days seem so big, even when they aren't. Breaaathe Meagan. Love yourself, love others.

-Meagan.

There Will Be No White Flag

I know you think that I shouldn't still love you, Or tell you that. But if I didn't say it, well I'd still have felt it where's the sense in that? I promise I'm not trying to make your life harder. Or return to where we were.
I will go down with this ship. And I won't put my hands up and surrender. There will be no white flag above my door. I'm in love and always will be.
I know I left too much mess and destruction to come back again And I caused nothing but trouble. I understand if you can't talk to me again. And if you live by the rules of "it's over" then I'm sure that that makes sense.
I will go down with this ship And I won't put my hands up and surrender There will be no white flag above my door I'm in love and always will be And when we meet Which I'm sure we will. All that was there, will be there still I'll let it pass. And hold my tongue And you will think That I've moved on.... I will go down with this ship. And I won't put my hands up and surrender There will be no white flag above my door I'm in love and always will be.

I missss andrew.

: (

I feeeeeeeeeeeeeeel like shit.

So, I'm moved out and I think I'm going to start my period soon, I'm more lonely, depressed and emotional than usual. This blows, it feels like the only thing that makes me happy anymore is andrew. Life can get so lonely. I need to meet some new people or something. I NEED something. Maybe I should get some damn hobbies or something. Better friends or something. godddd, what is my problem? I'm human thats the problem. I need to knit something, or scrapbook, or maybe smoke some. I miss my sister and my kids :\

okay let me break this down.. what makes me happy?

-andrew

-good music

-good food

-trees

-laughing

-making people laugh

-baking

-buying new things

-sleeping

-everything that has to do with andrew

-when friends are NOT douches

-amy! liz!

-good herbal tea

-good conversations

-the beach

-the idea of the future

-kiddies

-writing

-reading an amazing book!!!!!!

-finding new things

-photographs

okay so basically the essential is andrew, trees(both kind), and family.

1. stop worrying

2. think about yourself, because who else will? !

3. VEGETARIAN thoughts

4. Love love love love, give give give.

5. God loves you.

6. breaatheeee, it'll be alright.

7. It's okay to be sad.

8. no, its not pathetic that you're making these lists and talking to yourself.

9. be nicer to andrew

10. be more responsible

11. do some art, it can be therapeutic

Therapeutic THINGS to do

Cook, sing, learn something new, bake, read, write, draw, CREATE, volunteer, ride bikes, go for walks, excercise, knit!

alright, so i cant think anymore.

but it's good that i let things out, gotta do it somewhere.

I don't feel accomplished.

I look back on this year and I want to cry. I was held back so many times from experiences.. for what? some GUY? fuck, that. I'm glad I finally broke free from whatever was holding me down and saw light with my girls. I love the people and friendships I've made this year, and I'm sad to see it come to an end AND definately sad to see the seniors, a lot of my close friends, graduate. I'm sadder to see my junior year ending, and looking back wishing I could have a re-do. There's so much I would have done different, but I guess it all happened the way it did for a reason.. so I guess I'm fine with that. I just need to get something down about this year just coming to such an abrupt end. I already miss everyone, and my junior year.
=(

how am i feeling now?

still indifferent, its funny.. now i don't know who to miss. Can't miss christian anymore, stephen is out of the question. Then there's Al , and I'm at a loss. I guess I've always missed him, tried to replace him for all these years.. but nothing has ever worked the way it did with him. Ahh, then there's this other dude, maybe I'm just lonely, trying to find some part of.. feeling. Then if i'm actually starting to fall for you, I don't want to. I'm such a confused, horribly indecisive broad. haha.. I do not know where to go from here. BE stronger meagan, call your sister.. bring up your grades, be more responsible, be a better daughter, be BETTER. I don't want to be this way when I'm older. I miss all of them, I'm struggling to be fine with myself, accept it, I DONT KNOW WHAT IM DOING.

What am I supposed to do, when the best part of me was always you?
What am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up and you're okay?
yeah yeah.. love's incredibly cruel.

i need to get away.

soo, i have fucking issues. i'm feeling so indifferent, so horrible about absolutely everything. the drunk nights that i have these days that temporarily take me away have definately not helped. im fucking stupid. stupid, stupid, stupid. im at school writing this, talk about pathetic. well, so let's see my dad's moving out and i am not happy with that. what family am i gonna have now? none, my mom? well i have bella, and liz, amy. but damn i just feel empty these days. alone. ha everyone knows how i feel since i spill my heart out when im gone as fuck and cry for like 2 hours. and now i feel like im losing touch with bella, like we're getting sick of eachother and like my friends are starting to fall a part. im getting weird vibes from all the people i thought i could trust. i m fucking lost. I NEED GOD in my life right now, take me to church please. i don't even know but the im feeling right now, i know i don't wanna be feeling like this. anymore. i need to get it together, but how many times have i said that? too many to count. way too many. UGH, i just really am starting to see how fake and dishonest everyone can be. EVERYONE. there are definately no saints. God help me before i lose it. NOT EVEN THE LAST OF IT.

-meagan.

I m so lame.

gaaaaaaaaaay, im at school, hiii.
hella didn't even feel like going today, so ergo, i did not. showed up 5th period !
ha dude ima failure at life, hella like my dad.
since i can't change worth shit.
really though i need to get it together, forget the whole guy problems that will eventually go away and get my head on straight.

ugh, if i lose my house after today i'm gonna lose my head.
yeah, like my mom said we're both gonna jump off a bridge.
boooo school, gotta run 6 laps of sprints today.
FML,
laterrrr.

street lights.

Do I still got time to grow? Things aint always set in stone. Let me know.
Seems like street lights glowin, happen to be just like moments passin in front of me so I hopped in the cab and I paid my fare. See I know my destination but I'm just not there. Life's just not fair.

take me away from here.

I need to get away from everyone and everything. I'm going crazy, and I'm keeping everything iniside. Yeah, I'm going emo. Idgf.

God, please lead me towards happiness.

i'm sad. yep, nothing new. i miss him. but i don't get that in return do i?

Meagan, you fat lard.

WTFuck. I gained hella weight, seriously i need need need to drop some pounds, get some abs maybe. Today is the start, no joke. I'm gonna go run, since I can't afford the gym right now. So onto WORKING OUT. FML