Depressed Donna

Wow looking at my earlier posts, I was depressing. It happens, but damn. Angry, emotional-I must have been on my period every time I wrote anything. HA- damn hormones.

Revelation

I simply want to remind myself to document what I’m living right now. This is my fucking blog anyway, I can do as I please. (No one reads this anyhow, right?) Hope so.

Well so far I’ve moved out and away from Cali and everyone in West Sac, and my family, and Andrew’s family. And it has been months-feels like fucking years have gone by! Been here since the end of August so it has really only been 3 months up here in Oregon. Hah-my license that I’m finally getting will be an Oregon license. Damn Oregonians. It’s been real these last three months-haha. Me and Andrew have seriously been fucking off these last 90 some odd days-well less than that since we have taken 4 trips since we’ve moved(not on our own money either f*@%#$!) Only 3 months and we’ve gone up North to my sister’s(amazing/beautiful drive-our favorite) twice, and twice back down south to Cali. I feel like such an adult sometimes, being here on my own and having all this freedom-not to say that I didn’t have freedom before-but this is the ultimate freedom! No parents-no one you used to know-just a shitload of newness. I’m free to do what I want when I want. Sex, drugs, whatever I WANT! Of course I still need a job(I feel shitty every day I’m STILL not working) and I still need to register in school and blah blah blah blah but it feels fucking great to just do anything I want, on my own agenda-well more so. Without parents or family involved. And I am still so spoiled! My family-and Drew’s- have helped us out way more than they should have. I mean they all basically helped us get the fuck out of there. I am just very blessed, me and Andrew are lucky to have all these people who love us and want to see us succeed on this journey. And here at our new home people cared enough about us(me too thanks to baby) to support us til we eventually get jobs, and let us have all the freedom we want-there’s too many perks of living here now. I could not go back to living with my dad- my family is crazy sometimes, er well a lot of the time. Damn filipino tradition, beliefs, customs… whatever, at least the foods good.

The path to discovery is pretty rewarding so far. Me and Andrew drive eachother mad at times but we are learning so much-about each other about ourselves individually-living with awesome people-who love to talk shit to us haha. I’m glad as hell that we’re starting somewhere. Now just for that job.

There’s just too much I could write about right now about the last 3 beginning months of my immediate life-later later later.

 

And, and..AND we got our first tickets-I don’t even have my license and I got one. SEATBELT tickets! Shitty shitty fuck.

I’ll expand on all this later.

So...

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
Here's a new one, I feel like shit. Oh wait that's not a new one. Great. Once again I do something wrong and I feel like a shitty person. I'm human! I'm human everyone so leave me alone. I just want to get the fuck out of here. Yup, I'm being selfish. Yup, I suck. I don't care.

I am so frustrated.

Why do people put all the pressure on me? I can't make all you people happy. Sue me. Push me off a cliff then. I feel like such a shitty person all the time. Because of everyone else's standards. So I'm a shitty friend, a shitty person, shitty daughter. FUCK. Im SORRY. I'm fucking sorry and maybe one day I'll be better.

I'm sorry I can't make everyone happy. I'm sorry I can't make you or you happy, sorry I can't make anyone happy. Not myself, not anyone.

And I'm with my boyfriend all the time, because he doesnt make me feel like shit.
I'm sick of feeling like shit.
I should be happy right now, with my friends and enjoying the last of my childhood. Before I really have to grow some balls and grow up, which I'm finding is difficult to do.
But I'm not. I'm sad and lonely and I have the gaps to fill and they remain empty.

I'm lost and I wish people would stop bashing me.
I'm hurt too you know? But that shit doesn't matter does it?

Fuck all you.

I'm gonna be a fucking hermit.

She said I throw myself away
They're just photos after all
And I can't make you hang around
I can't wash you off my skin

I Gotta rememeber

to document this. write down the memories ive recently had.
we got closer to some people.
and met someone new!
-Anthony, our new best friend :]
:]
And me and andrew just continue to grow closer. And love eachother even more.
Is that possible?

I feel like shit.
Please take me away.

Empty.

That's how I always feel, huh? I cried myself to sleep last night. It's been a while since I've done that. Today I woke up feeling miserable. As miserable and emotionally exhausted as I did the night before, if not worse. So I got myself up after more pitiful crying and took a long walk in the rain. It started pouring and I felt so liberated and sad and tired and miserable. But all in all I felt better. Walking, sprinting, breathing hard, crying out there in the pouring rain. It was beautiful and I guess I just wanted to express that before I lost my train of thought. I'm okay, I can pick myself up.

Never depend on anyone but yourself.
This is where I always fail.

I need to get away to feel again.

I just lost it. Over a guitar string and a tuner. I flipped into this crazy emotional breakdown. And it all went downhill from there. And it certainly doesn't help that I'm in Roseville. With blind people who are oblivious to feelings. Especially my feelings. I cried myself senseless outside til I was still unsatisfied. And here I am. Talking to no one, to make myself feel a little better. It's funny how whenever these little things go wrong, they bring me to facing all the problems I find myself trying to forget, trying so desperately to run from. All this loneliness and emptiness that doesn't seem to go away, no matter what I do. I feel absolutely tiny. And this will be it, I will have my sadness and aching tonight, til I push all of it back down tomorrow. I will wrap my mind around all of my pathetic issues until I can't think and I will lock all of those thoughts and feelings away again. Why deal with them? Yeah, but they end up making me do this. Making me feel like this. My whole life feels like such a waste sometimes. No, I feel like a waste. All the time. I hide how I feel about myself, about other people, about every fucking thing because I don't know what else to do. I obviously can't face or handle what I should but what can I do? I can't fix everything. And these feelings won't subside, until I do something. But I doubt I ever will, because quite frankly I don't think I can. I'll just go on suppressing all these troubles with drugs and Andrew. I feel like I'm disintergrating here. Melting. Everywhere. I don't belong anywhere. Everywhere I go, I am just not a part. I'm tired. I'm exhausted of living. Day to day just drowns me out. It rips me a part. I don't know where I'm ever gonna feel like I belong and stay there.    

I miss everything that once was.

*take pictures with andrew in photobooth.

No title

So here I am on a Friday, stuck alone at my mom's place. I feel so out of place everywhere. No stability at home, since I don't have one. Shit, at least I'm not sleeping on the streets. I'm feeling a bit nostalgic at the moment. My english teacher cried today because it was the last day we'd all be in her class. I cried too. I keep forgetting that I'm-we're-all graudating. Once again, where has the time gone? Four years just flew by. And I want to go back. I find myself looking at old pictures and revisiting old memories. And look at where I am now. A lot has changed, I've grown as a person, I've lost some, I've gained some. I wonder where life will take me from here. Dear god I'm scared. Terrified. People are all going off in different directions and I have no clue where I'm even gonna start that direction. I'm excited but scared to leave my childhood behind.

Bad Thursday Morning.

So, why the fuck am I so difficult? I have serious issues with how I deal with my emotions. What is it because of my monthly disorder? Sure, whatever. Nonetheless I feel like shit, and I achieved in making the person I love feel like shit too. I just need to vent about it I guess. I get so angry sometimes. And I can't even control it, it's just especially when things don't work out . I've got a lot to learn and sooo much room for growth. I'm glad that I recognize what I'm doing, but it still doesn't make it right. Why is it that the people closest to you, you hurt the most? Maybe that's just me, I don't know. Ahhhhh, today did not start out good. And there it is.

Baby,

I start to write the words and always take them back because there are secret things happening between us and I don’t have the means to describe them. There are feelings— innate, secret, important, perfect and lovely— that I cannot even begin to explain. I want to write you novels on the palms of my hands and between my fingers, on the backs of my knees, and behind my ears, and I could use every last word in the dictionary and foreign languages and pictures and colors and none of it would, for one single moment, fully explain the way I feel when I wake up in the morning and remember that you exist. You are worth volumes of written word, and yes, it is simply miraculous that you exist.

So when I look and try to find something, something in myself, something, anything. I always look to you first. And from there, I have all my answers.

“ It’s been a bad day… Another bad day and all I want to do is look at you and know I’m okay."

Colorblind- Counting Crows

I found an old song that I used to love. It used to make me sad. It just got me thinking about a lot of other things. It reminded me of Andrew, as usual. I had something profound to say on here, but I've lost the words...I guess I just want to express how I'm feeling which is....kinda lost. No, just lost. At some point I hope I can find who I am and make something of myself. I guess I can't worry about those type of things right now, since anything could happen. But still my mind wanders off into the abyss of the future. I hope, I hope, I hope for things. I hope to find friendships again, I hope to keep love, I hope for happiness. I'm so blessed to have found a life long companion who seems to fill all the holes that I have in myself. He is there, always. There to help me pick up my pieces when I crumble. There to talk to when I'm feeling lost, sad, happy, everything. I could never fully describe the feelings I have for him. They may all be some cliche lines, but I'm so so deeply in love. And that's what I always end up writing about. Because that is my passion, that's my life. He's part of it. Whenever I'm feeling down and I have little strength in myself to see the good that I'm missing, he's there to remind me. I'm lucky to have loved like this, and I will always be lucky to have what I have, even if it's not here forever. Along the way, I lost the feelings I was just feeling, and wrapped myself around the comfortable thoughts of my own love. What scares me is what will happen if that comfort isn't there anymore. I just don't want to cling to him...and then be so lost and drowned out that I have to start over. But.. I've decided that I'm just going to take my life with every moment, from day to day. I don't want to worry about what will happen next week, next month, next year. I'm just simply going to live. And I suppose that was my profound thought that I wanted to lay down here. Hm, but still I feel sad. I feel like there's something I'm missing. Probably because there are things I'm missing. Like a home, like family, like friends. Andrew is the only silver lining to this life I'm drowning in.
I'll be okay.

What Makes Me Happy?

Andrew, Andrew, Andrew.
At this point he's the only thing making me happy. I feel so bad about everything else in my life.. but with him. It's different. I feel important, like I matter. Like there's something to live for, there's something to look forward to.

I'm just all sad and emotional.
I miss so many things.

No Distance Left to Run.

I don't know what brings upon these sad, pitiful feelings. I feel pathetic on nights like this, alone, and crying. The usual. Boo fucking hoo for me right? I just feel like there's something missing in myself. Aren't you supposed to love yourself? Why am I so disgusted with myself? Maybe it's because I'm horribly emotional right now... I keep going in circles. I feel like a failure. Like I've said many times before. But it's okay to feel like that now.. Yeah? since I'm only 17? Yeah but what if that doesn't change for the rest of my life? The rest of my pathetic life. Guess I'm just crying out, for something because of all the things that eat me up inside. I wish I was better. I wish I was a better person. I wish I was better for everyone. For Andrew. Ahh.. Andrew. True, I have these feelings, but I always bring myself back to the reason why my life has much more meaning than it ever did. He's my happiness. I don't know if that's sad to some people, but it's amazing to me. But I still can't shake this feeling of hate for myself. I hate my life sometimes, as everyone surely does. Except those rich bastards. Well, maybe they're unhappy too. I don't know. I'm just rambling. I miss Andrew.

I'm feeling

SAD. empty, indifferent. I tend to get like this a lot, especially when I'm at this place. Where has the time gone? I've loved and lost, and lost, and lost. Greetings 2010. I feel like shit. I'm not fucking perfect. Wish my family would understand that, I wish people would understand that. And why is it that I always have to be the one to put in the effort? I guess it's that way because I let it go too far.. & I have to rebuild everything I once had. I always have to start over. I guess I'm just rambling because I don't feel too good about a lot of things right now. But I have to stay positive. None of this will matter in 10 years, shit 5 years. I'm just scared. I'm scared of a lot of things. Boo-hoo for me, right? Blah, Blah, Blah. Maybe I'm just gonna start my period. I don't know. Or maybe there's just a lot eating me up right now. That I don't really have the courage to face.