Trials & tribulations.

I'm scared. I'm scared of the future, of my life, I'm scared, scared, scared. And at the moment I feel like a failure. Like everyone else has it figured out, the guidebook to life. (Yes, like in Tweak..) Why didn't I get that? I'm so unhappy and unmotivated at times these days. I constantly don't want to be where i am or around any of the people sometimes :( i can't seem to find anything to fill my worth. I haven't applied to college, I haven't done shit. I feel like I'm not doing shit with my life. And all I want to do is smoke. Smoke, smoke, smoke. Pop, Pop, Pop. They make me feel so much better though. Is that a bad thing? Someday I'm going to die any way, why not live while I'm alive. Anyway, I've lost connection to all friends who were once close and I'm starting to feel that familiar sense of loneliness, of a bit of emptiness. That's how my life feels at times, empty. I feel empty. Whatever, I have andrew right? Yeah, that's not guaranteed either. Things always end, people change, things change. Always. I have faith in us, but I'm scared. I don't want to lose his love one day, though it's possible. Haha it's horrible to think of how sad life can be. Life can be so fucked up, but so beautiful and in the end we all die. It's a whole shit of unfairness that you have to just DEAL with. I feel so lifeless lately and I cling onto Andrew like he's my oxygen. Yeah, I know I can be pathetic sometimes. I feel WORTHLESS ! And this is where my rain of thought stops. Basically, I feel like a crappy person with no aspirations or achievements. Life is sucky.