I am so frustrated.

Why do people put all the pressure on me? I can't make all you people happy. Sue me. Push me off a cliff then. I feel like such a shitty person all the time. Because of everyone else's standards. So I'm a shitty friend, a shitty person, shitty daughter. FUCK. Im SORRY. I'm fucking sorry and maybe one day I'll be better.

I'm sorry I can't make everyone happy. I'm sorry I can't make you or you happy, sorry I can't make anyone happy. Not myself, not anyone.

And I'm with my boyfriend all the time, because he doesnt make me feel like shit.
I'm sick of feeling like shit.
I should be happy right now, with my friends and enjoying the last of my childhood. Before I really have to grow some balls and grow up, which I'm finding is difficult to do.
But I'm not. I'm sad and lonely and I have the gaps to fill and they remain empty.

I'm lost and I wish people would stop bashing me.
I'm hurt too you know? But that shit doesn't matter does it?

Fuck all you.

I'm gonna be a fucking hermit.

She said I throw myself away
They're just photos after all
And I can't make you hang around
I can't wash you off my skin

I Gotta rememeber

to document this. write down the memories ive recently had.
we got closer to some people.
and met someone new!
-Anthony, our new best friend :]
:]
And me and andrew just continue to grow closer. And love eachother even more.
Is that possible?

I feel like shit.
Please take me away.

Empty.

That's how I always feel, huh? I cried myself to sleep last night. It's been a while since I've done that. Today I woke up feeling miserable. As miserable and emotionally exhausted as I did the night before, if not worse. So I got myself up after more pitiful crying and took a long walk in the rain. It started pouring and I felt so liberated and sad and tired and miserable. But all in all I felt better. Walking, sprinting, breathing hard, crying out there in the pouring rain. It was beautiful and I guess I just wanted to express that before I lost my train of thought. I'm okay, I can pick myself up.

Never depend on anyone but yourself.
This is where I always fail.

I need to get away to feel again.

I just lost it. Over a guitar string and a tuner. I flipped into this crazy emotional breakdown. And it all went downhill from there. And it certainly doesn't help that I'm in Roseville. With blind people who are oblivious to feelings. Especially my feelings. I cried myself senseless outside til I was still unsatisfied. And here I am. Talking to no one, to make myself feel a little better. It's funny how whenever these little things go wrong, they bring me to facing all the problems I find myself trying to forget, trying so desperately to run from. All this loneliness and emptiness that doesn't seem to go away, no matter what I do. I feel absolutely tiny. And this will be it, I will have my sadness and aching tonight, til I push all of it back down tomorrow. I will wrap my mind around all of my pathetic issues until I can't think and I will lock all of those thoughts and feelings away again. Why deal with them? Yeah, but they end up making me do this. Making me feel like this. My whole life feels like such a waste sometimes. No, I feel like a waste. All the time. I hide how I feel about myself, about other people, about every fucking thing because I don't know what else to do. I obviously can't face or handle what I should but what can I do? I can't fix everything. And these feelings won't subside, until I do something. But I doubt I ever will, because quite frankly I don't think I can. I'll just go on suppressing all these troubles with drugs and Andrew. I feel like I'm disintergrating here. Melting. Everywhere. I don't belong anywhere. Everywhere I go, I am just not a part. I'm tired. I'm exhausted of living. Day to day just drowns me out. It rips me a part. I don't know where I'm ever gonna feel like I belong and stay there.