Chestnuts roasting on an open fire..

Santa Baby, for Christmas I want
-a better looking body
-digital camera/or poloroid camera!
-Laptop
-Clothes
and all for now since I'm at school.

Today was a good day.

Good day today. Looong day as usual though. Fell asleep last night, so didn't finish a project that was already late. Left early to meet andrew, the same routine as every morning and its freezing balls outside. No bowl for this morning :[ boo hoo, but we did have exports so that helped. Andrew had a really good morning, lol. Then off to school to finish my entire project. Not fun, then had to deal with some bitches. Ugh, high school is a joke. And so are the people. Survived all three periods then got out to meet Andrew :] who had a lovely surprise for me, treeeee. Smoked my own small bowl in the bong, and I was good. Kicked it with Rasheam, and smoked a blunt. we had some good laughs today, on days like this I feel happy to be alive.

Trials & tribulations.

I'm scared. I'm scared of the future, of my life, I'm scared, scared, scared. And at the moment I feel like a failure. Like everyone else has it figured out, the guidebook to life. (Yes, like in Tweak..) Why didn't I get that? I'm so unhappy and unmotivated at times these days. I constantly don't want to be where i am or around any of the people sometimes :( i can't seem to find anything to fill my worth. I haven't applied to college, I haven't done shit. I feel like I'm not doing shit with my life. And all I want to do is smoke. Smoke, smoke, smoke. Pop, Pop, Pop. They make me feel so much better though. Is that a bad thing? Someday I'm going to die any way, why not live while I'm alive. Anyway, I've lost connection to all friends who were once close and I'm starting to feel that familiar sense of loneliness, of a bit of emptiness. That's how my life feels at times, empty. I feel empty. Whatever, I have andrew right? Yeah, that's not guaranteed either. Things always end, people change, things change. Always. I have faith in us, but I'm scared. I don't want to lose his love one day, though it's possible. Haha it's horrible to think of how sad life can be. Life can be so fucked up, but so beautiful and in the end we all die. It's a whole shit of unfairness that you have to just DEAL with. I feel so lifeless lately and I cling onto Andrew like he's my oxygen. Yeah, I know I can be pathetic sometimes. I feel WORTHLESS ! And this is where my rain of thought stops. Basically, I feel like a crappy person with no aspirations or achievements. Life is sucky.

So,

I have had some crazy last 6 months.
I'm astonished that my life has become some movie haha.
With this amazing guy that I want to spend the rest of my life with.
:]
We've been through some high experiences and some crazy road trip/runaway experiences, sleeping in the car, smoking cigarettes, eating food, there's soo much that I've experienced with him in these last 6 months, 5 months actually from June when we met again. I swear this, all of this is going in our novel, which we are aspiring to write. And its only been 5 months and we are completely and utterly inseperable, ga-ga for eachother. We can be so cheesy sometimes. haha

He's like my best friend.
I've done everything with him from the day we saw eachother after 4 years.
I'm blessed, lucky to have found him.
I just hope that everyone can find someone to love like this and be loved in return.
Someone to be there for you when you need to be kissed and held.
Someone who will laugh with you and take joy in your imperfections.
Someone who won't judge you.
Someone to support and help you.

He is everything. I'm only 17 years old, 17 years of experience and I never want to let this feeling go. Or him.

Yeah I may sound like some cliche 17 year old girl who's absolutely in love with her boyfriend. But this is on another level bitches. LOL

Seriously though. Why is everything so perfect with him?
Maybe something will happen to where I could love him less.
NOT.
I'm all stuck.

STUCK STUCK STUCK.
Damnit, I am a sucker.

But even if this ends, I'm NEVER gonna forget any of this. These experiences will probably be the best in my life.

haha I'm so melodramatic.

The Dive.

The leap, or as Andrew would say, the dive off of a cliff. We did it,we up and left. Like nothing. Well, we freaked out, of course. But tosay the least, we did it.And I have no regrets, though it was a short lived experience, an experience nonetheless. We left Monday, afterdeciding we would actually go through with it, with some crying and yelling at eachother(mostly on my part). And then we were off. Afterproposing the idea to eachother, we parked instead of going to school,and put on some good ol' Coldplay, then talked and thought about this drastic decision we were about to make. Then when our minds were made up we went to his house, made preparations, took some stuff we could sell, left notes, and then I went and did the same at Lauren's house.We then bought some smokes at our spot, one road pack and hit a pawnshop downtown as our final destination before leaving. We attemptedto sell Drew's TW, PS2, my lovely gold jade earrings,and his guitar. THAT SUCKED, because the asian pawn dude didn't accept shit. Soooafter buying smokes, we were down to a little over 25 dolalrs and we were trying to drive 6 hours out to Oregon. We NEEDED money, fast. But, with that money we filled the tank up in the pathfinder and went on our way with 8 bucks left. It's funny because we just added like 5 chapters to our novel of our lives that is in the making. Before I go any further, I have to say I had an amazing time with Andrew on this damn journey, though my life's going to suck right about now for awhile. BUT, I have no regrets, no matter how incredibly stupid we were. (Anyway) At this point everything was not going as planned and we had just LEFT, impulsive, selfish, irresponsible. Like that. LEFT. So we were frantic, but somehow happy, and relieved. We just wanted to get away from everything. We were both sick of everyone and everything, and just needed to do this. Which we did, and failed miserably. The drive consisted of eating(the lunch andrew's mom packed him for school), listening to good music, especially our favorite cds(our CD, then mostly queens and Coldplay :]), and drawing all over his car. But again, we needed money to make it, so we stopped after 2 good hours of driving, at some gas station by a casino resort place. Which if we could, would have gone in a got really drunk at. Instead, we waited at this gas station and tried to sell things to everyone we saw. After about an hour, we gave up, put the last 8 bucks in our tank and scraped all the way to Redding. I fell asleep on the way there, but I awoke to find Andrew driving in a parking lot trying to find a pawn shop again. His gas meter was past E, which was NOT good. So this tattoo dude gives us directions to this A1 loan place, pawn shop or whatever, and he even draws out a little map. We get lost, of course, with NO GAS. BUT alas, we FINALLY find this damn place. And might I add, Redding is fuckng weird. Sooooooo we go in and we try to sell all the stuff we have. We offer up all our belongings, and

Sweet Dreams; it will all fall right into place.

Lately, Andrew and I have been talking about leaving. Just leaving, without saying a word to anyone and go. It's been just a dream for us, I suppose. But each time we talk about it we get closer and closer to actually acting on the absurd thought. How selfish and impulsive would that be? I would love to leave though, and drive off somewhere. To Oregon maybe. No worries, whatsoever..well until I returned of course. If that were to ever happen. But then what of college? High school? Won't I be the ultimate failure to everyone then? Not just to everyone.. but to myself. I don't want that at all. I have this whole, huge, amazing life I'm planning out in my head. With little kiddies, my dream house, my dream life. And I don't know if all that will even have the chance to happen if I up and leave right now. Though, the more we discuss it, the more tempting it is. I love Andrew, I truly do. It's weird, that crazy, irrational, yet again selfish running away idea seems perfect because of him. I feel like I'd be fine as long as... well as long as I had him beside me. Haha what a cheesy, cliche line. I'm such a cornball. Can you be in love at 17? Is that possible or are all these relationships at this age meaningless, hormone filled, immature, acts of puppy love? Well, me and Andrew are a bit different I guess. He is so damn amazing. How we ended up together, I have no clue. It is fun to go over and explore our story in my head at times, just thinking about how we came together. Let me start off by saying, it is amazing, lucky, and ironic to be with my first. Haha, what are the odds? We're planning on writing this amazing book about our lives. So far it's been crazy, especially ever since he came back into my life after four years. Doesn't stuff like this only happen in the movies? The lover leaves and they lose touch and that lover returns and meets with their lover again and then they fall madly in love with eachother all over again but BETTER, even more profound and loving. There's our story, with much more detail of course. I think he's the one, you know that one person you want to spend the rest of your days with, doing anything and everything or absolutely nothing. Your soulmate, I guess. It feels like we've loved before, maybe in another life we were both lovers. Maybe we were mates as birds in another life. HAAHAA, or maybe I'm just this in love with him. Love can seriously make you crazy, but sooo down to earth. When nothing could be worse, he's always the silver lining. How trite and overused I must sound? But it's all true, when you find someone worth everything. All those idiotic love songs and all those romance movies and novels all relate to you and your own feelings towards your own love. I feel so blessed to have him, hopefully this isn't another high school relationship, but somehow I know it isn't. And he doesn't even know how far my love goes for him. I am such a sucker for this kid. Can your boyfriend be your best friend too? Thinking back on the SHORT but LONG 5 months, of love, I've had the most fun and excitement that my meaningless 17 years of life have ever had. Well for now, you get the jist right? I'm so exhausted, and I decided to stay up for some stupid reason out of my own head, to finish homework all of which I have not touched. HAHAAH. damn you internet. But, basically... I may runaway and be a hippie bum with Andrew, have an amazing dream life(I say amazing a lot), I love Andrew(obviously), I've spent time composing this blog and doing nothing but talking to andrew haha in the process, I'm writing a book of our memoirs, & did I mention I love Andrew. HAHA, yes I am a sucker for love. Goodnight, sweet dreams :]

<3Love yourself and others :]

Mondays

It's a Monday and I am thankful for my life.
I had a n amazing weekend with Andrew and I am looking forward to everything that's in store for me.
I will make it through the bad. And the bell rang sooo deuces.